Shadowed Heart, Shattered Soul
by JMD-009
Summary: A power awakens from deep in Xander's soul. Does he have the will to master it or will it consume him? Perhaps with the help of his reluctant guide...
1. Soul Confusion

Shadowed Heart, Shattered Soul

Note  
I'm going to be borrowing some concepts and elements from the Shadow Hearts series. Probably not enough for knowledge of the game to be necessary though.

Willow lay in the hospital bed, spell ingredients and Cordelia and Oz at either side. Book in hand she weakly began the incantation. Oz watched her, his normally expressionless face showing worry. Even Cordelia looked worriedly at the injured girl trying to perform a far too powerful spell.

They have good reason when Willow suddenly sits bolt upright and her voice gained strength. The book fell to the floor, but it doesn't matter anymore. She speaks the spell in perfect Romany as if the spirit of one of the gypsies were guiding her.

Slowly the orb of thesula started to glow until it's emitting an almost blinding light.

* * *

He knew he should trust her. The problem was that he couldn't banish that lingering doubt from his mind. Buffy had had several opportunities in the past to stake Angelus and didn't. Things were different this time though. The world was on the line. He'd like to think that she would be able to do it with such heavy odds. But could he really afford to take the risk she couldn't? 

Xander decided he couldn't. So after getting Giles out safely he went back inside. A guilty voice in the back of his mind whispers 'trust her' over and over again as he makes his way back through the mansion towards the courtyard.

Forcibly he shoved the thought aside as he reaches his destination and sees them. Buffy and Angelus. Their blades clash with speed and grace that make it look more like a dance than a fight. His first instinct is to jump into the fray and help her.

With great restraint he doesn't and berates himself for even thinking it. Both combatants are completely focused on their battle. For them there is nothing else. Jumping in now would just distract her and get one of them killed. Or quite possibly both.

One thing is most certainly clear to him as he takes in the cuts and blood adorning both bodies. Its clear she's not holding back this time.

For a moment he considers leaving, his fears alleviated. He doesn't though. Buffy and Angelus seem to be pretty evenly matched. As morbid as the thought is to him, if Buffy slips up and loses somebody has to finish it. Xander just hoped he could take him out while Angelus was caught up in his victory should it happen.

The jaw drops on the stone form of Acathla and a red light forms. Small at first, but getting bigger by the second.

At the same time Xander found his body enveloped in a white light. The pain is intense. Greater than anything he has ever felt before but he refuses to scream. He can't, she'd hear it and get distracted.

His vision began to blur as he falls to his knees. The last thing he is able to make out before collapsing into unconsciousness is Buffy plunging her sword through Angelus's chest and the portal closing.

* * *

Xander groaned as he started to pull himself off the ground. By the time he reached his knees he had regain enough of his senses to notice something. Two something's actually. One, he wasn't in the mansion anymore. Two, he wasn't alone.

Another figure lay face down a few feet away from him. The figure began to come to as Xander reached his feet. Somehow he could sense there was no threat so Xander walked over and offer them a hand. He gasped in surprise when he saw who it was. "Angel?"

"Xander?" He asked in confusion as he accepted the offered hand. His face held a puzzled expression as he looked around. "Where are we? What's going on?"

Xander shrugged. "Dunno. Last thing I remember before passing out was Buffy killing you… er soulless you… I mean evil you… no… um… demon in your…"

"I get what you mean." Angel told him curtly, if for no other reason that to cut off his rambling.

"Right… uh… well, I guess the world was saved."

"That's something at least."

"Yeah." Xander agreed. "As for where we are, well, Willow was doing the soul curse on you. I was surround by a bright light before passing out. I think she kinda, might have… missed."

Angel looked at the boy with an even expression. "So this is your…"

"Mind, spirit, soul?" Xander offered. "Yeah, think it might just be."

"You realize your soul looks like a graveyard right?"

Sure enough they appeared to be in just that. Very little grass filled the area that was about half the size of a football field. Instead the ground was practically made of tombstones, with a few uprights mingled in here and there. The sky was black and mist that seemed more like a wall barred further path into the distance. The only thing that even hinted at there being more to this world were the large ornately carved stone doors that were periodically spaced at the outer rim of the mist.

Xander just grinned at the former vampire. "Figures don't it?"

Angel actually managed a small grin of his own and a chuckle before agreeing. He may not particularly like the boy, but Angel had to admit that Xander did know how to lighten a situation.

"So what now?"

Xander shrugged again as he leaned against one of the larger tombstones nearby. "What now? I for one choose to believe that this is all a whacked out dream caused by too much junk food and a boring research session in the library.

"Any minute now Willow will notice and poke me awake or Giles will shake me awake with a scowl for drooling in one of his books. Again."

He closed his eyes and sighed. "Yep, any minute now."


	2. Morning Surprise

Groggily and with a protesting moan he awoke. As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, for a brief disoriented second, Xander wondered where he was. When his eyes focussed he was both relieved and surprised to find he was in his own room.

'Must have been a freaky dream after all.' He thought to himself as he got up and grabbed the nearest shirt and pants and gave them a quick sniff to determine their level of cleanliness.

Tossing them on a chair for later he made his way to the bathroom stretching and yawning the whole way. Xander, for one, was never fully awake until he had a long hot shower. Thus why he nearly missed the sight that greeted him in the bathroom mirror.

In fact it took him a moment to realize something wasn't right as he opened the door to the shower. Pausing he blinked several times before turning back towards the mirror. The sight was enough to jolt him fully awake and cause a gasp to escape his lips.

The colour of his eyes had turned a blood red.

"And the weirdness gets an early start today." He quipped almost on reflex while staring at the kick in the teeth before him.

In a daze he had his shower and somehow made it back to his room. He was fully dressed and pacing before he came to his senses. Xander didn't even miss a beat in his pace as he tried to come up with a course of action.

"Ok, calm down Xand." He told himself. "Just eyes. Nobody's going to notice. Right?"

Xander sighed as he stopped at his bedroom mirror and stared into his own newly red eyes. "Who am I kidding?! I have Xander luck! Everybody's going to notice! Crap. Crap! CRAP. CRAP!"

He was about to start pacing again when realization hit him and he nearly smacked himself at the obviousness of the solution.

"Giles will know what to do! Weird stuff is right up his alley!" He exclaimed happily only to deflate a second later. "But he's probably in the hospital after being tortured by Angelus."

A heavy sigh on his lips Xander headed for his door. "Oh well, no point standing here talking to myself like a crazy person. Sunndyhell's got enough of those as it is. May as well see if I can find out what happened after I passed out."

With that he walked through the door only to reappear seconds later and head straight for the mountain of junk that at one point was a desk. Digging around for a moment he smiled triumphantly as he pulled out a pair of black wraparound sunglasses. They were just the cheap brand you'd find at any drugstore but they'd do for now.

Glasses firmly in place Xander went downstairs intent on leaving. An aroma stopped him dead in his tracks as he passed the kitchen. It was something very odd for this house. It smelled like breakfast.

Cautiously Xander peered inside and his jaw dropped. If he'd had any heart problems he probably would have dropped too. He wasn't the only one shocked though. His mother sat at the kitchen table with a fresh cup of coffee just staring at his father who was… at the stove cooking?

As his father turned and saw him Xander noticed two things. Well, three things but are we really going to split hairs? One was that there were no alcohol bottles in sight and two his father seemed to be more or less sober for this time of day. As if that wasn't strange enough he had a rather nasty looking black eye.

"Alex, come on in here and sit down. I'm just about to dish out some breakfast."

Dumbfounded Xander complied and could hardly believe it when the plate of bacon and scrambled eggs placed in front of him actually looked edible. They ate in what was the first comfortable silence he could remember being in this house in a long time.

"Alex? Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?" His mother asked after a few minutes. It came out awkward, but she genuinely sounded curious.

"My eyes are bugging me today." He didn't exactly lie. After all, they were bothering him, just not in the way it sounded.

The look his parents shared before his father spoke didn't go unnoticed by him. "The… lady… who dropped you off said you got hit on the head saving some people from gang members. Maybe it's from that."

"Did you really do that?" His mother asked. "Stand up to a gang like that to help somebody?"

It was a true enough story. He had jumped in and saved people from 'gang members on PCP' on many occasions and got a bonk on the head in return. So he just nodded in response.

She actually smiled at him after that. "I'm… we're proud of you."

Ok, this was different. His dad was relatively sober and cooking and his mom was actually showing an interest in his life. And the weirdness meter just keeps rising. What the hell happened while he was out?

* * *

After Xander had presumably awoken from this little world he was stuck in Angel found a relatively comfortable spot to sit and brood with his back against a tombstone. He was confident that he wouldn't be here long. Xander would want to get rid of him as much as he wanted to get gone.

Unfortunately for him even Angel has limits on how long he sit and brood. With sigh he stood up and brushed off his black pants. Not that he actually had any he realized. Or the black button down shirt he wore either. He didn't even have a physical body. This world was one of the mind and soul. Xander's mind and soul. So would that make his body just a mental representation?

Shaking the thoughts aside he picked a direction at random and headed for the doors in the distance.

* * *

As Xander walked up to the door of the large luxurious house he prayed. What did he pray for? Well, it was more of a request really. A simple one at that. He just wanted anyone but her to answer the door. Of course fate seemed to once more decide to kick him as the one person he least wanted to see answered the door.

"What do you want?" Cordelia's mother asked snidely.

She was one of those people who took being of the upper class very seriously. As such she didn't approve of her daughter dating someone so obvious beneath her it wasn't funny. It was more or less ok when she thought it was just a fling, but after a few months she realized it was more serious than that. Then the sabotage attempts started.

She had actually tried to bribe him away at one point. He refused as politely as he could with his teeth clenched stating that he didn't care about money. Xander had had to bite his tongue when the look on her face told him she didn't believe him for a second.

"Well, out with it boy!" Her annoyed voice came as he realized he'd zoned out for a minute there. He tried his best not to cringe.

"I'm looking for Cordelia."

"She's not here." With that the door slammed in his face.

Not wanting to press his luck he started walking back down the drive to continue on his way to the hospital. He'd stopped here because it was on the way and he thought Cordelia would want to come. Despite what she may say about them he knew she worried as much as any of them when somebody was hurt. She just hid it better. At least now he wouldn't have to worry about her feeling ditched when he snuck in to see Giles alone though.

As Xander made it to the street a red dodge ram started to pull into the driveway only to stop beside him. The window rolled down to reveal Cordelia's father. He was a nice enough guy. He didn't really seem to approve or disapprove of his daughter's relationship. "Hey Xander, what are you doing here?"

"Just looking for Cordelia."

A confused look crossed his bearded features. "She's checking on someone in the hospital. I thought you were meeting her there?"

"Miscommunication I guess. Thanks Mr. Chase, I'll head over there now."

"Alright, see you later Xander."

* * *

Angel walked down a long hall filled with more of the large ornate double doors that were in the first room. In fact if it wasn't vaguely hall like this room would look just like the first, keeping with the graveyard and mist motif.

He stopped as he tried to decide which door to try first. In this section of the hall there were six doors, three on either side. Finally deciding on one he pushed the stone door open with ease that belied its compound. Angel never walked inside though, he only stood in the doorway as his mouth threatened to go agape.

Inside was a hyena. Not just any hyena though. The biggest freaking hyena Angel had ever seen. In a room that was easily the size of a football field it took up just over half of that. It was struggling against the large, heavy chains that held it to the ground.

Angel learned the hard way that its head had just enough room to each the door as it snapped in his direction causing him to fall backwards from the shock. Cautiously he stood and closed the door, wary of the snarling beast.

"Let's skip door number one."

* * *

It didn't take Xander long to reach the hospital and the floor Willow was on. A small waiting area was nearby and as he reached it he was met with a sight that was equally surprising and pleasing sight. Joyce and Buffy sat next to each other, both looking decidedly uncomfortable but were there nonetheless.

He knew Buffy and her mom had it out last night, but from the looks of it they were on the road to patching things up. Joyce had made no secret that she disapproved of the slaying and it was a testament to her character that she was here. Odds are the two had talked some last night… no… probably this morning when they wouldn't be as emotionally worn.

It didn't matter what had happened right now just that it had. He would find out later anyways. For now he was just happy that Buffy had her mother to help her deal with the loss of Angel and Kendra and having two people she cared about hospitalized. Not to mention it was safer on Joyce to know about the real nightlife out there.

"Hey." Xander said simply as he sat beside Buffy and put an arm around her shoulder. She leaned into him in response, her puffy eyes didn't escape his notice but he made no comment.

"So what's the what?"

"They're going to release Willow tomorrow." Buffy told him with a weak voice. "Giles is going to be ok, but they won't let us all visit him at once. Mom and I have already been in, Oz and Cordelia are in now."

"That's some good news then."

"Yeah."

An uncomfortable silence began to settle in then so Xander decided to change the topic.

"So, Buff, care to tell me why my dad has a black eye?" The question was asked playfully. She wouldn't have been the first person to want to pop his father after all. And after what she went through last night he doubted she would have had the patience to deal with him. "What exactly happened when you dropped me off last night."

"I didn't." She told him indignantly. "I called my mom to take you home while I took Giles to the hospital. Since you just seemed to be unconscious she took you home."

Two pairs of eyes turned towards Joyce, one set curious and questioning.

"Well when I brought you home I met your parents and I assumed they would help me with you… arrhh." She made a sound of frustration and the disgusted look on her face clearly said she'd do it again if they were there right now. "How can people say those kinds of things about their own child!? It was disgusting!"

Xander's chuckle drew both Summer's attention. "Well I don't think you're going to have to worry right now. This morning my dad was making a family breakfast and my mom actually talked to me rather than at me… it was weird."

This actually got a small chuckle out of Joyce. "I think I might have put the fear of God in them."

"No you put the fear of Summer's women in him. Much scarier."

He never did find out which one them the smack upside the head came from.


	3. I Hate This Place

It wasn't much longer until they saw Oz and Cordelia coming down the hall. Xander saw them coming and stood up to meet them. Exchanging a nod with Oz he hugged Cordelia. "Hey."

"Hey. 'Bout time you got your lazy ass up." She told him. "Must have been some hit you took if even twinkies couldn't wake you."

"Twinkies?" He asked in confusion as he pulled away slightly to look at her.

She just grinned. "Works better on you than smelling salts."

"Ha, ha, ha." Came Xander's dry reply. "…You wouldn't happen to have any on you? I'm starving."

He only laughed when she playfully smacked him on the arm. It was a nice tension releasing moment for them, but it had to end sometime. After a minute Xander's face went sombre.

"You guys just came from Giles' room right?" She nodded. "Where abouts is it?"

"Three doors down from Willow on the other side of the hall." Nodding in response he started walking.

"Xander…" Cordelia called him back and he turned to look at her. "… He… don't be surprised when he doesn't look his best."

* * *

Angel was still in the hall exploring the hall. He was a little wary after the hyena incident but after opening another door and seeing no immediate danger he began to relax some. After a moments hesitation he walked into the room.

It was about the same size as the one with the hyena only… well… empty. Just the same graveyard and mist he was really starting to get sick of staring at. The only thing he saw of any interest at all was another door at the far end of the room.

As good a direction as any he figured so Angel started walking towards if. After a few steps he could have sworn he heard a slight rumbling. Several more and he heard it again, louder this time. Stopping he waited listening intently. He didn't have to wait long before it came again even stronger. This time he felt the ground give a slight quiver.

"Ah shit." Was all Angel could mutter as he turned to run for the door.

The rumbling stayed strong as Angel turned and the quiver became a massive quake. Pieces of the floor began to fall through like parts of a stone bridge collapsing.

The quake made it difficult for Angel to run and stay on his feet at the same time. As he neared the door he gave one final desperate push as he jumped, the floor collapsing behind him. He was thankful he hadn't bothered to close the door or he would have had no chance at all.

Angel couldn't help but smile in relief as he landed but a step from the door. The smile quickly changed to an expression as shock and fear as rather than stopping on the stone it gave way and he kept going. His hands desperate clung for a hold and managed to catch the small lip at the bottom of the door.

Hanging there by one hand he carefully reached up and gained a grip with the other. He took in several slow calming breaths before he pulled himself up and back into the hall.

Carefully he peered over the edge. Below him was not the rocky death he had been expecting. Instead after the steep drop was water. It reached from this end right over to the other. A vaguely humanoid fishlike figure could be seen swimming in the distance.

* * *

Xander gasped in surprise as he entered Giles' hospital room. He really shouldn't have, Cordelia had warned him after all. But he had seen him last night and thought he was prepared for whatever lay ahead. He was wrong though. Last night things had been happening so fast and it was dark. There really wasn't much time to take anything in. Now it was different.

Giles lay still in his bed, his steady breathing the only indication he was still alive. All of the exposed skin was either covered in bandages or deep ugly bruises. To sum it up he looked like hell and Xander had to force himself to remember what the doctors had told Buffy. 'He was going to be ok.'

After a moment to compose himself Xander realize that Giles seemed to be sleeping. Turning he walked out. Carefully he started to close the door.

"Xander?" He barely caught the week voice from the room and for a moment thought he was hearing things. "Xander? Is that you?"

"Yah, it's me G-man." Xander said as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. He walked over to Giles' bedside and sat in the nearby chair. All thoughts of laying his problems on the man immediate washed from his mind. "How you holdin' up?"

"What this?" Giles said, his voice much stronger now. He must have just woken up when he had called him. "It looks much worse than it is."

"Well you look like hell."

Giles let out a chuckle wincing as the movement irritated some of his bruising. "Yes, I suppose I do. It's probably a double edge sword that Angelus is… was… so good at what he did. It was more fun to prolong his victims' suffering so learning to cause the most amount of pain with the least amount of damage was a must."

Xander looked down as Giles spoke. "I'm sorry Giles. Sorry we couldn't get there sooner."

"I'll hear none of that." He told Xander in a stern voice that actually caused an audible gulp form the boy. Later Xander would find the humour in his brief irrational fear of a man who probably couldn't even get out of his bed at the moment. "Not your fault. Angelus'. You got me out as soon as you could. And before you say anything I think you made the right choice going back in so don't feel guilty about that either."

"Right." Was all Xander could come up with to say.

"Now." Giles continued. "From what I'm told you were knocked out by a vampire when you went back in. I may have been out of it, but I'm reasonably certain that Angelus was the only vampire left. What really happened?"

"I… ah… don't know what you're talking about G-man." Xander lied. He figured Giles didn't need this right now. Red eyes weren't life threatening… he didn't think. It could wait until he was out of bed at least.

"Xander." The tone clearly stated that he didn't believe him in the least.

"Really, don't worry about it." Xander said as he stood up and adjusted his sunglasses.

Giles was about to say something when a nurse came in to check on him. Xander took the chance to escape the imminent interrogation. "See ya tomorrow Giles."

* * *

Angel walked the hall cautiously. He peered around with an almost paranoid look as he approached another door. Taking up a defensive stance he pushed it open.

He couldn't tell how big this room was, just that it was indeed big. A dense jungle blocked his view. At first he thought he finally found something of different scenery until he looked at the ground. The graveyard motif continued.

Angel was still on the defensive as he went to take a step through the doorway. Suddenly a loud bang was heard and a bullet whizzed by his head, ricocheting off the door on the opposite side of the hall. Quickly he slammed the door shut.

"I hate this place."

* * *

Xander had paid a visit to Willow next. It was only a short one though since he found her asleep. She'd been exhausted ever since she tried that spell. With a kiss on the forehead and a promise to be there when she got out tomorrow he left the sleeping form of his best friend behind.

The others were still in the waiting room when he came back. Everyone was getting ready to call it a day, satisfied that those in the hospital were indeed going to be okay. He declined several offers for rides, saying he would prefer to walk.

Which he did. He needed time alone with his thoughts. That wouldn't be possible making small talk with the others.

He walked aimlessly trying to come up with a plan. Something needed to be done about this weirdness. The red eye thing had an easy enough temporary solution. Some coloured contacts and most people wouldn't even notice anything. That wasn't the real big problem though.

Angel may very well be in his soul. No good could ever come of this. They're liable to attack each other before long. Not to mention his soul turned out to be a really creepy place.

Speaking of creepy places after walking for what seemed like hours he was surprised to find he had ended up at the last place he wanted to be, the Crawford Street manor. The place where Angelus nearly ended up destroying the world last night.

Almost of their own accord his feet began to move towards the mansion. Inside there was no sign of life whatsoever. But then again, after last night nobody's going to be trying to inhabit this place for a while.

Reaching the courtyard he stopped in front of a large stone statue. The demon Acathla. They would have to do something about this eventually. He'd make a mental not for it later.

"I hate this place." He heard Angel's voice say suddenly and the world began to spin. Falling to his knees blackness began to enter his vision.

"What the hell!" Was all he could say before he hit the ground unconscious.

Still standing there glaring at the door Angel suddenly heard groaning behind him. Spinning around bring his fists up he was ready to take on whatever creature this place sent at him next. He was surprised when his saw nothing.

More groaning caught his attention and he looked down to see Xander sprawled on the ground. Relaxing slightly he reached down to help the boy up. "Here."

Xander looked at the hand in confusion for a moment before looking around and realization hit him and he took the offered hand. "Damn you're still here."

"Unfortunately." Angel said neutrally, determined not to let any of his growing paranoia of this place show through. "Find anything out yet?"

"Just that Joyce has a mean right hook."

"Come again?" Angel asked confused.

Xander just shook his head as he looked at the door-lined hall. "Never mind. I didn't find anything about this… situation. Could be awhile from the looks of things."

If Xander had been looking he would have seen a strange look pass over Angel's face for an instant. As it is he was headed in the opposite direction.

"Hey, where do these doors lead?" He asked Angel as he approached one.

"Don't o…" The warning came too late as Xander pushed open one of the doors only to have the snarling face of a giant hyena snap at him. "…pen that."

"Holy shit!" Xander exclaimed as he picked himself back off the ground and stared at the creature. Angel walked up beside him

"Stay." Angel quipped as the chained beast continued to struggle and snap.

"Now that's just weird." Xander commented.

Angel nodded his agreement. "I know. I didn't think something like this would be here either."

"Not that." Xander said as he turned to face Angel. "You made a joke. An exceptionally bad one but a joke nonetheless."

Angel stared at him before he sighed and shook his head. "I have to get out of here. He's corrupting me already."


	4. Heart to Heart

"So," Xander said after they had closed the door to the hyena room. "There many things like this here."

Angel's eyes shifted for a moment but kept his voice level. "I'd like to state for the record that you get possessed and the like way too much."

The two stood in silence after that. Neither moved. They just stared down the hallway of doors mostly ignoring the other's presence. It was an awkward silence to say the least. Well, for Xander it was anyways, Angel didn't seem bothered in the least.

Finally Xander couldn't take it anymore. "As much as I don't want you here it may be awhile to get you out. "After y… Angelus tortured Giles I don't want to lay this on him until he's better. Maybe I could get some of the others to hit the books with me?"

It wasn't a question directed at Angel, but he answered it anyway. "Somebody will probably end up spilling to Giles if you do that."

"I should at least tell Buffy you're not in hell. Take a bit of the chip off her shoulder."

"NO!" Angel exclaimed spinning the boy to face him, piercing him with an intense gaze. "She _can't_ know!"

"Alright, no telly Buffy. Got it." Xander told him as he took a startled step back. "Any particular reason."

"Why do that to her?" Was all he said as he sighed and leaned against the cold stone frame of a door.

"A 'huh' and a 'wha' for five hundred Alex?"

"Why give her that hope." He clarified. "Why give her the hope that she may be able to get me back when it may not be true. I may be stuck in here forever or simply fade away. We just don't know anything yet. I won't give her hope only to crush it later. Don't tell her? Please?"

He didn't know if it was the emotion in the voice or the look in Angel's eyes that did it. Maybe it was the fact that Xander couldn't remember Angel ever directing the word 'please' towards him. Whatever it was he soon found himself agreeing to keep it from her, for now.

Xander had a fear of his own though. One he wouldn't voice. One he only barely acknowledged himself. If Angel's soul was stuck inside him and Buffy had to choose, would she kick him out of his own body to have her lover back? Logic and reason tended to leave town when it came to those two. Xander didn't know what scared him more, what he believe she may be capable of or that it didn't seem like such an irrational fear.

* * *

It wasn't long after his talk with Angel that Xander woke up in the courtyard of the mansion. Looking up he noticed the sun was beginning to set. With one last contemptuous look at Acathla he left the mansion. He moved quickly, determined to get home before the sun set. Xander wasn't in the mood to deal with the Sunnydale nightlife tonight.

Not that it would have been much of a problem right now. A lot of the demon population either left or hid when the whole Acathla end of the world thing started. They'd start coming back soon though. Now that they knew they weren't going to be eaten by the bigger demons from the portal.

He managed to make it to his home just as the last of the reddish orange sky gave way to the darkness of night. Despite this morning's display Xander still half expected to find his parents half in the bag when he walked through the door. Instead he was greeted with silence.

A single light was on, coming from the living room. Peering in Xander saw his mother sitting in the easy chair reading a book. Surprisingly it was only a can of coke on the table beside her. His father was nowhere in sight.

Shaking his head Xander turned to quietly make his way to his room unnoticed.

"Alex, is that you?"

So much for that. "Yah mom."

"Come in here please." She told his as she set down her book. "I need to talk to you."

Sighing and casting one last longing look in the direction of his bedroom he complied. He sat on the couch that was separated from her chair by a small table between them. His mother looked like she was trying to say something several times but would stop like she couldn't find the right words.

"So, ah, where's dad?" He asked uncomfortably after a moment.

"Working overtime." At his sceptical look she added, "No, really."

"Ooookay." Was his response. The simple word was drawn out, like the very concept of his father working overtime was utterly bizarre. Which to him it was. "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about, cause I think it's great that the two of you are trying to change. I really do. It's just…"

"Odd, I know." She finished for him. "That Joyce Summers is an amazing woman. Some of the things she… said really hit home. I wish I could have been half the mother she is."

Xander didn't know how to respond to that. He'd wish the same thing sometimes. So instead he didn't say anything. He just stood and walked over to her, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. The two shared the first mother/child moment they had in years. Both knew their relationship wasn't fixed. Not by a long shot. But at least it was a start.

Without a word Xander started to leave only to again be stopped by his mother's voice.

"Alex." She called. When he turned back he saw the same look of conflict on her features as before. Like there was something she didn't know whether or not to voice. Finally she seemed to come to a decision. "Take off your sunglasses?"

Xander was taken aback. Not just because he was trying to hide something. It was phrased as a request, not a command. It was not screamed or even spoken normally. The question was spoken softly with an almost fearful catch.

"My eyes are bugging me." A simple lie but it would normally work.

"No they're not." He shouldn't have been surprised, tonight was anything but normal.

Slowly and resignedly he closed his eyes and took off the sunglasses and placed them in his pocket. Hesitantly he opened his eyes, expecting to see fear and anger as his red irises came into view. Instead he only saw sorrow as she sighed and placed her head in her hands.

"I was afraid of that."

Xander stared at her curiously for a minute before growing nervous. This wasn't what he had been expecting. Fear, anger, they were normal for him, this he didn't know how to deal with. "What do you mean 'I was afraid of that'?"

"You might want to sit down for this Alex."

Almost on automatic he sat back down on the couch, growing more nervous with each step. "Nothing good happens when you need to be told to sit down for something."

"It's just… I've… I've seen someone with red eyes before." She told him with a sigh, finally deciding not to hold back anything. "Your father."

"Dad doesn't have red eyes." He replied in confusion. A sinking feeling in his stomach told him he already had an idea on what she meant though.

"No, Tony doesn't. Your real father did." She told him, tears threatened to come, but she was doing an admirable job of keeping them in. They wouldn't help right now.

"I… I wish I could say that I was going to tell you when you were ready or that it was just easier on you not to know, but I can't. The truth is it was just easier for me."

Xander wanted to be angry at her, he really did. Maybe it was just the shock of it, maybe he would be angry later, right now there was just so much he wanted… needed to know. "Where is he? Can I see? Does he know about me? Did he want-"

"He's gone Alex. I don't know what happened exactly, but he died when you were eight." Her voice was soft and etched with sadness and her eyes downcast as she spoke.

"His name was David Garrett. We were best friends since childhood. He was so adventurous, always travelling. Strong, loyal practically to a fault. I had loved him for years before I actually told him. It turned out he had felt the same way." She took a moment and smiled as she remembered, only to frown as she remembered what happened next.

"It wasn't that we didn't love each other, we were just… different. My life was here, I couldn't just up and leave to travel the world and he couldn't stay." A single tear fought past her defence and slid down her cheek. "David never knew I was pregnant.

"I met Tony not long after that. He was a good man then. Not like what he became. I thought he would be a good father. That he would take care of us. He still doesn't know you're not his son."

Xander said nothing and just listened as his mother spoke. There were so many things he wanted to ask, to say, to yell. But he didn't. He was afraid that if he did that, as emotional as she was getting, she would clam up and he wouldn't get any answers. So he stayed silent… until his mother's next comment that is.

"There's something else you need to know before I go on. It may be hard for you to believe but magic exists."

Xander couldn't help but snort at that. "Yah, I got that one. My friends and I have been fighting vampires, demons and the like for a couple years now."

"My God!" She exclaimed. "How could I have not noticed _that_?"

"You haven't exactly been the most observant person when it comes to me."

She visibly flinched at the comment but made no objections. It was true and she knew it. Her voice just got soft and her eyes downcast again. "I guess it shouldn't really surprised me though. You always were a lot like David."

"You mean he…"

She nodded.

"Wow." Was all he could say before a realization hit him. "That's how he died isn't it? Fighting some demon?"

"I don't know for sure, but probably."

They were quiet for another moment, both caught in their own thoughts. Xander was the one to speak first. "What about the eyes?"

"David was, what he called, a Harmonizer. He could take the souls of demons and use their power. I don't know much more than that. I didn't really understand everything."

Xander sighed. It wasn't the definitive answer he was hoping for, but at least it was a start. His mind began to wonder to the possible ways to research Harmonizers when his mother spoke again.

"There is someone who would know more. A good friend of David's. He lives in Wales." She paused for a minute and her lips curved upwards in a slight smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "He is a little… odd though."

"Wales huh?" He said more to himself than her. He was about to ask more questions when he looked over at his mother. She was finally losing the battle with her tears.

"I'm sorry Alex!" She cried. "I should have told you long ago. I was scared. I'm so sorry."

Silently he got up and went over and embraced her. Neither spoke. Jessica reflected on the love she had lost and Xander on the father he would never know. He'd be angry later he was sure. Right now Xander knew he needed the comfort as much as she did.


End file.
